Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Law School Doubt

It's almost 2:30 pm. On a Wednesday. November the 28th, if you must know. That means I'll be closing up shop in 1/2 hour. My first final is in about 5 days. All of the reading, listening, understanding, frustration, and anger of the past several months comes down to about 13 hours total over a two week span.

I'm not saying I'm nervous. I'm just asking, wouldn't you be?

Beyond that, nothing much is going on. Worrying about finals is really my all consuming reason at the moment. Mind you, that's distinct from STUDYING for finals. I still manage to put that off. But I definitely do my fair share of worrying.

Today I forgot I had a class at 9:30. Luckily, I had a class at 8:30, so no harm was done. I'm constantly losing track of names, people, and places. I watch people walk by, and I wonder how it is that I know so few of them.

Never before in my life, prior to law school, has the end of each semester been this frightening. Always before there has been some other grade to bolster my GPA, or, at the least, to give me a fair idea of how I was doing. Half the fear of these tests is going in blind. Not knowing how I would do in comparison with everyone else.

All odds point to my getting a B+ across the board, because that's just how I do on upper level tests. As you should know, that doesn't cut it, your 2L year. If I get across the board B+'s, I'll actually probably drop out of the top 1/3. But am I in position to avoid that? Am I in position to get any A's at all? Hell, am I currently in a position to get some B's?

I have no idea. I know that I'm in classes with people who already have positions with firms, but I get the impression that even THEY might be trying harder than I am.

Maybe I'm not cut out to be a lawyer. Maybe I should just join the ranks of the fallen, who have accepted that they just aren't good enough, competitive enough, or driven enough to succeed in this business.

But then how would I pay my loans? On the other hand, if I can't get a job as a lawyer to begin with, that question is a moot point.

No comments: