Sunday, January 13, 2008

When NJ met D.

Um... Yeah. So today is better. It always is.

Oooh. Also, I had dinner with D. If you don't know who D is, I can drop a few hints.

1. Her first name starts with D.
2. I've known her since the Warren.
3. I've inexplicably been able to maintain contact with her through the years, to the extent that she is probably my longest female friend who didn't go to Andale High School.

Anyway, I had dinner with her, and I came away thoughtful. See, D is an interesting character. We're very different. For instance, she's conservative, and I'm liberal. She is uncomfortable letting other people help her, and I practically demand it. She isn't great with authority, while I'm very greasy and subservient.

The thing is, if I'm going to have one of those When Harry Met Sally relationships with anyone, it has to be her. We don't see each other for six months at a go, but then we're very amiable again, but nothing ever comes of it.

Anyway, I had dinner with her, and she was just about as pretty as she's always been, but as the dinner went along I got two very different impressions. On the one hand, we're different enough - socially, religiously, and politically - that I don't think a real relationship would ever actually work.

On the other hand, I get the impression that, over the last 2 or 3 years, D has really matured an awful lot. I wouldn't like to say how I think this has happened, because I'd be betraying confidences, but it seems like she learned how to open up at some point.

There was once a time when D was like a wax figurine. She had this very pleasant, outside self, and there was absolutely no way to know what her inside looked like.

I think that's gone now. In fact, I think, at some point, she actually matured past me. Who would have expected that? D? More mature than myself?

Anyway, much like When Harry Met Sally, I don't think I'm really gonna work for this one. If we end up living in the same city, maybe we'll end up together. If not, then it won't be a huge deal.

Of course, it could be that this thought process is entirely one sided, and D couldn't even conceive of any of this.

Either way, it's something to think about.

These are the things I hate

You know those moments where it's late at night, you're really tired, and suddenly you are struck by all the things in your life that aren't going right?

I hate those moments.

I hate retreating. I hate not realizing what I have. I hate doing poorly at something and thinking, I guess I better give up and try something else.

I hate wondering what I'm doing wrong, then finding untestable hypotheses that could be the answer, and so I assume they're right. Furthermore, I hate assuming these hypotheses are right, when there's a very good chance that the problem, as I see it, doesn't really even exist.

I hate being fat. I hate thinking I'm fat. I hate believing that this fatness is an impediment in life.

I hate going to sleep, certain that I'm floating through life, and I hate having to assure myself that it'll all be better in the morning.

I hate the fear of being poor.

I hate being a snob, and I hate that I don't have the resources to justify being a snob.

I hate that reasoning through every element of a problem does not come naturally to me. I hate that I invariably stop when I know the right answer, before I know the complete right answer.

I hate that I'm not creative enough to be an artist, hardworking enough to fix or produce things with my hands, and personable enough to excel at interacting with others.

I hate that I don't have the guts to always be closing.

I hate being afraid.

I hate being afraid. That one is worth saying twice.

I hate that I don't come off as a self-possessed leader of men.

I hate that the grin that works so well upon first meeting can really only be interpreted as the grin of a fool.

I hate that I don't follow through on things. I hate not finishing. I hate having only enough drive to know that I don't have enough drive. I hate my mediocrity.

I wish that being 27 meant I was grown up. How is it that I don't have this switch that so many other people seem to have that makes them responsible adults?

You know what the nice thing about having something you've never done but wish you did? Like sky diving? Or writing a novel?

The nice thing is that, for all that it is a regret, at least you aren't/haven't failed at it.

Because what then? A failed dream is basically the same thing as lost hope.

Alright. It's 3am. Time to recite that mantra that proves true every time (except the time my advisor yelled at me in Bozeman, but that's another story).

It'll all be better in the morning. Screw tiredness and whatever bizarre chemicals are coursing through my body. It'll all be better in the morning.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

advertising and downers

Hey folks, I hate to advertise, but I hear, if you have MS Outlook, that this is pretty sweet.

Xobni Outlook add-in for your inbox

Mind you, you need not click on the link and sign up, but then I would be less likely to be bumped up to the top of the beta users list, and then I'd probably cry.

Also, I spent half an hour today listening to some woman give this downer talk about how her step father doesn't love her. It made me realize that I try very hard to avoid giving downer speeches in my life, saving them, instead, for you lovely people.

I'm not sure why more people don't thank me for that.

P.S. BTW, those of you who guessed that the date mentioned did not exist were correct. The British finally adopted the Gregorian calendar in 1752.