Monday, December 10, 2007

It's late. Also, what am I missing?

I need to wake up in about 4 and 1/2 hours for my last final, so naturally I pick tonight to be unable to go to sleep.

When my mind does its racing thing and it's late, I naturally go to my old standby. You know, "Boo hoo, and whoa is me."

Anyway, I was in that mindset when a question occurred to me. How do other people perceive me? Especially upon first viewing? If you haven't read this blog and have not had the opportunity to delve into my hopes, dreams, self-doubts, and self-directed personal aspersions, how would you perceive me?

I'm afraid, at this point, I have no idea. I'm too close to the subject. Do I come off as self-centered? Uppity? Vague? What about childish?

I'm sure I also come across as generally pleasant, but that's not really what I'm interested in. I'm more curious about the negative traits that immediately come to mind.

The seed for this question appeared several months ago, after a traffic court session. The other two judges and I (plus one other girl) all went to a local brewery for dinner. For those of you counting, the judges included a male, a female, and a me. That means sitting at the table were two guys and two gals.

And as the conversation flowed, I noticed something. I talked to the two girls like they were two regular folk (i.e. guys). If they had an opinion that I disagreed with, I let it be known. I was as abrupt and abrasive as I would be with anyone. That is to say, I wasn't a real asshole or anything. I just didn't go out of my way to be conciliatory.

Which is what the other guy did. It was almost bizarre to watch. Instead of treating them like people, he treated the girls in a deferential manner. Instead of disagreeing, he listened and said some nothing, like, "Oh, that's very interesting" or "there you go."

It was strange, to say the least, to compare our styles. Then it occurred to me that maybe that was part of my problem. Let's face it: I'm not going to be getting a ton of ladies with my looks. We can just automatically put that to one side.

So what are other qualities that do the same job? Personality. But what does that mean? And the answer to that is, "I don't know."

I really don't. I have no freaking clue. Based on my experiences at Triangle, I always assumed it meant being willing to talk to women at all. Clearly, that is not the case. I have no trouble talking to women. I do it all the time. In fact, if I had to select 15 top friends of the past 6 years, I'd guess at least 9 of them would be female.

So what the hell is the problem? Ans: Ida Know. THIRD BASE!

Opps. Wrong sketch.

But seriously, women-folk, I need some advice based not upon what "everyone knows," but rather based on experience. In your experience, do the guys with whom you are interested talk to you in any way that is different than par for the course? Is there some kind of magical manner of being that I am completely missing?

Or are looks really the only thing, and I'm just totally screwed?

Man. That would suck.

Note: If you are going to respond to this one with advice, PLEASE don't speak in generalities. I don't want to hear, "I like guys who are self-confident." I have no freaking idea what that statement means. If you like guys who are self-confident, tell me the little clues you perceive that make him that way.

If, instead, you are going to respond by suggesting some category other than communication and looks, feel free to speak in more broad terms.


Kristi said...

Dang... I think it depends on what type of girls you're trying to snag.

For example, I had pretty low self esteem for the majority of my dating life. So IF a guy showed any interest... which basically to me meant "flirting back"... I was hooked.

But by the time I was comfortable with myself and a little more confident... Andrew came along and my flirting did NOT WORK ON HIM. Meaning... he very rarely flirted back and the only way I knew he was interested was that he put effort into communicating with me... meaning... he called me when I wasn't expecting it to wish me a safe trip to Colorado like 2 weeks before our first date.


In all reality, I think there are plenty of girls who would be happy to date you... but I just don't think you'd be happy to date them.

Anonymous said...

This is really hard b/c I don't remember how guys used to talk to me back when I was still free to be interested in them. However, guys over the years that I've gotten along w/ well and have liked and been attracted to (in terms of personality) are guys who act interested in what I have to say and aren't condescending to my opinions even when they're wrong or off base. Guys who go out of their way to talk to me even when there are other people around they could hang out with. Guys who share common interests and ask me to go do things with them since I'm not the type to ask other people to hang out. Those are a few things I can think of. Basically, I think it's like any relationship, we like people who act like they like us and are interested in us. Kay

Anonymous said...'s 5:00 in the morning, I have an Evidence exam in the morning, I haven't slept a wink, and I'm now commenting on the blog of a stranger (hopefully...)

Anyway, as the proud owner of a vagina and a fellow law student, I think I can answer your question.

Here is a little key to the universe: People (all of them, even those who really have no right to be) are shockingly impressed with themselves. If you want her to think that you're the cat's meow, then provide the audience for her one-woman show. I'm not being sexist here, by the way. This is true of both men and women.

Now you, my dear, are a law student. We law students are particularly impressed with ourselves. While I don't know you personally, $5 says that you attempt to impress girls by trying to get them to realize how great you are by talking about yourself and your life experiences. You probably don't even realize that you're doing it. Don't worry, we all do it. She's even doing it.

Alas, that ain't going to work. She really doesn't seem to care, does she? Why? Because she's more impressed with herself and, hence, she isn't actually listening to you. Rather, she is waiting for her turn to tell you how great SHE is. Especially if she is a fellow law student. Have you ever heard of a girl gushing to her friends, "wow, I really get that guy!" No, it's "wow, that guy really gets ME!" There is a reason for this.

Now for the tricky part: Listening doesn't mean sitting there and nodding. If you want to close the deal, engage with her about herself. Ask her follow up questions. Talk about her future. Figure out what makes her unique and interesting. I mean, she is interesting, right? If you are able to hone in on what SHE thinks makes her unique and you are able to say it like you thought of it first, you win. Those good old baby-making hormones will now start dancing around in that head of hers.

Now, by all means, be yourself and have opinions and tell jokes and be criticial of her stances (especially if she is a law student). Just remember, though, that she is the star of this show. At least for now....

Now, if you want her to fall crazy in love with you: do the above for the first three or four interactions. Then, for no reason and without warning, act pleasant and, yet, totally uninterested. Assuming you successfully pulled off Phase 1, she will do what she needs to to get her beloved audience back. And what exactly is it that she needs to do? You tell me. You're the boss now.

Practice makes perfect, my dear. This doesn't always work. However, the better you get at it, the more success you'll have. Soon you will have more ladies then you know what to do with. At that point, you won't even need to do all the work you did at first. Why? Because girls like boys who other girls like. Look at your friends who get a lot of ass. What do all of them have in common? They have been Girl-Approved.

Now, go out there and break some hearts. Please be gentle on us. :)