This song is absolutely right

I just finished listening to this song that a facebook friend posted some lyrics to.  I feel like it perfectly describes every single moment in my life when I COULD kiss her, but I don't.  It's seriously amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE1ZafzLyXc

the little jokes

I've got a new thing to talk about.  I'm cutting and pasting the following from an email I sent today.  I feel like it says a lot about me.

I believe the enigmatic smile of the Mona Lisa began as a mistake.  I think the architect of the leaning tower of Pisa had no idea he was building on weak soil.  I believe that Einstein’s theory of relativity came into being because a clock reflected light irritatingly into his eyes and Isaac Newton really did get hit in the head with an apple.

 I’m not suggesting that a joke series that I write is going to shine the light into quantum computing or demonstrate a means of traveling through the universe faster than light.  The thing is, most of the really important things in our lives have very little to do with science or the advancement of mankind.  The most important moments in our lives are, in fact, very tiny.  Sometimes, the most important thing is nothing more than an unexpected smile, an honest and undemanding compliment, or a nod of approval.  And sometimes it can be a brief story that can make you laugh or make you feel inspired.

 I think I would call that a life goal of mine.  I don’t need to paint the roof of the next Sistine Chapel.  I’d instead like to be the guy who told Michelangelo a few jokes on his way up and down the scaffolding, just enough so Mike could overcome the desire to quit.

 On the other hand, it’d be cool to be rich and famous, but not especially necessary.

No Prize

Hi! It's 3am! As you all know, I tend not to write blogs anymore. This is partially because I'm lazy, partially because I feel nervous about the process, and partially because I typically only write when especially pissed off.

Tonight I'm really only writing because I had to do some name and email changes for school purposes, and I was reminded that this thing existed.

Alright, so I believe we've all heard my litany of self-abusive dislikes. It's a solid, firm list that typically stands up to a lot of pounding, except from certain unnamed areas.

Anyway, I've got a new one. Have you ever seen "A Beautiful Mind"? It's an alright movie. I never saw the Oscar worthiness that others did, but it was undoubtedly enjoyable. The reason I bring it up has to do with a scene at a bar. Five girls are at the bar. Five guys are at the bar. Traditional market economics dictate that the 5 guys should ALL go for the most attractive girl.

The logic here is that the winner will have the most attractive girl, thus ensuring that the best parties survive and theoretically reproduce.

Except in reality, this leaves 8 people with nothing to do, which really sucks. Furthermore, there's a really good chance that the other four guys are going to "cockblock" the fifth guy, thereby ensuring that no one goes home with the prize.

In this way, we learn that blind capitalism can lead to everyone getting screwed. Or, more accurately, to no one getting screwed.

So, you might be asking yourself, where are we going with this?

Simply put, I'm a dating communist. I do not compete. That's just not in the cards for me. Instead, I sit at the bar, talk to friends, play bar games, have a great general time, and then I go home alone.

Tonight, like many nights, in addition to all the good times, I did find myself in a girl competition. She's a cute one too. Also a law student. Blonde hair. Pretty eyes.

However, three guys were hitting on her. Me. And two ripped dudes. I mean, we're talking cut up. If these guys have fat on their bodies, it's because they haven't finished digesting it.

So... I mean, what the hell was I supposed to do? This was not a contest I was going to win. One guy was generally nice, somewhat reserved, but also pretty good at talking to ladies. The other guy was extremely interesting, having traveled all around the world, but he was a little brutish.

That pretty much covers my bases. Both have me beat in the looks department. One is interesting and has traveled more and actually read more, beating me in that category. The other is friendly and nice and a good conversationalist, either beating or tying me in that category.

The fact of the matter is, I'm just not much of a prize. If a girl were to parade me around to her friends, they'd all be lukewarm in their later, girl-talk praises.

Going back to that economic metaphor, I'm like the 4th guy in a list of five. I'm "aight." I definitely won't be going to prison. I'm not tall. I'm not muscular. I'm not thin. I'm not versed in philosophy or poetry. I've only done some international traveling. I'm very nice, but not gentlemanly. I'm funny, but not hilarious. I'm a law student, but who the hell isn't in this crowd?

So that's my thought of the night.

Oh, I do have another. This is one that's been lurking about in my head. I don't think, in my entire life, I've ever thought of myself as attractive.

This is too bad, because I think I might have been, back in high school. I was looking at some pictures from sophomore, junior, and the early parts of senior year. I really did look pretty good back that. At that time I thought of myself as the "fat, but not as fat as Carnt" guy.

I guess that's just one of those 20/20 things. Then again, maybe everyone else saw me as the "fat, but not as fat as Carnt" guy too.

Three Things

Alright. Here's today.

1st: Found out, after 2 months of swimming almost every day and usually swimming at least a mile a day, that I have lost, quite literally, no weight. I weigh, today, exactly what I weighed the last time I weighed myself.

Fantastic.

2nd: This girl that I'm kind of into at the moment agreed to go to this fun-sounding dance/exercise thing with me tonight. She didn't show. I called a couple times. No answer. She also did not ever call to apologize or give an excuse.

Why do I feel like the bad guy for being irritated about this?


3rd: Got rejected by the FDIC today. I currently have next to no job prospects and am just waiting for the letter of rejection from the Hutchinson firm. Surely that'll be coming in the next few days. How much fun will that be!

Look, I realize I'm kind of a douche bag. I know I throw just about as many impediments in my own way as anyone else might. But is this really my life?

God, even that sounds asinine. "Oh. Boo-hoo. Not everything in my life has been handed to me on a silver platter. Why doesn't everyone feel sorry for me?"

Maybe this is just one of those tired things. I already exercised tonight. I ate dinner. I watched humorous television shows. Typically, if none of those things work, I can go to sleep and everything will seem better in the morning.

Except this feels kinda different. Actually, a lot of my rants have been feeling different these days. Perhaps it has to do with my aging, but I'm slowly getting less weepy about life and more pissed off. I mean, sure, I've made mistakes. Every reader of this blog can attest to that. One even has recently.

But is that all there is? I make a few profound mistakes in life (another example, not getting good enough grades my 1L year) and I'm relegated to some sort of weird life that's a partial mix of has-been and never-had? I'm freaking 27! This is prime of my life territory! Why do so many things suck?

Maybe it's because of mornings. I go through an awful lot of my life content and patient. Except the fact of the matter is that content doesn't get you major life advancements. It doesn't get you a job. It doesn't get you a promotion. It doesn't get you a girlfriend. In the paraphrased (and made up) words of Freud, it doesn't get you laid.

And without those things, what is life? The collective purpose of humankind is to contribute to the whole through work and to procreate. I've managed to do neither of those things. I mean, it's not even close.

So here is to every single one of my friends. You, every single one of you, have managed to accomplish more in life than I. Kudos.

Alright. I guess that's enough of this pissed off rant that appears to be tinged with what might callously be called a mild self-loathing. As I do not consider myself a callous individual, I will choose to call it a frustration in efforts of self. Time to go to bed, so I can wake up and turn back into the nice, friendly, happy version of myself who will be embarrassed about this discourse.

'Night.

Who won the VP debate?

I should note, before beginning, that I am a registered democrat, which means I am a communist who is always on drugs, hates America and freedom, hates babies and our troops, and feels joy when America loses as something. Just kidding. I'm just disclosing the democrat thing to disclose my initial leanings. Ahem...,

Alright, it's been a few hours since I watched the Veep debate. The dust has settled. I went drinking for a while. Things are as they ought to be.

But now I come back and I discover that maybe this debate didn't go, in the minds of those watching, the same way it went in my mind.

Let me put this in context. I watched this debate, and I saw a woman repeating talking points in an obvious way. The clearest case in point being the discussion of Obama's naivete, a word I'm guessing Palin has never said before last week. Or, at least, a word she's never pronounced as she pronounced it tonight.

The reason I think this? She used the word within a few minutes of using the word nukular. Not nuclear. Nukular. A person who says "nukular" does not also say "nigh-eve-eh-tay."

In my mind, she was a bit like a robot or recording machine, save for the insanely irritating moment when she grinned really big and wide after she thought she'd caught Biden in a gaffe.

Also, I had a great deal of trouble following anything she said. I definitely thought I was witnessing a lot of confused rambling.

Meanwhile, I thought Biden did an incredible job. Not only did he talk in clear sentences, but he actually pointed to specifics. He mentioned some actual things that would probably have to be cut because of this bailout. He was willing to point to a misconception or mistaken belief he'd had as a senator. He was, amazingly, genuine, which is a fair sight better than anything Palin, McCain, or Obama had done up to this point.

And yet, now that I return from the bars, I discover that a lot of people completely disagree with me. People, admittedly on conservative websites, are talking about how Palin wiped the floor with Biden. How she connected with people at a gut level. How she was honest and straightforward and had Biden on the ropes, cowering in the corner.

When I'd finished watching the debate, I was trying to be impartial. (Obviously, not to other people. To other people I was saying exactly what I thought.) But mentally I considered the debate and had figured that the thing was probably a tie. Honestly, before going into this debate, a democrat's best hope was for a tie. If Biden had gone in, guns blazing, attacking the crap out of Palin, he'd have been wildly castigated by both the media and the public. The veep debate of 1984 taught us that you cannot be mean to a female candidate in a debate. The nation will respond poorly.

So Biden, if you recall, did not spend a single moment attacking Palin directly. Instead, he spent his entire time going after McCain. Indeed, the only person to really highlight the differences between Palin and McCain was Palin herself.

Under that kind of scrutiny, Biden's only hope was to continue beating down McCain and placing himself in the best light he could. This I thought he did.

I've already expressed my views on Palin's performance. She did a decent enough job with what she had to work with, but there was nothing interesting or exceptional about her efforts.

And yet, now I discover a large chunk of America not only disagrees with my actual opinion, but also with my attempt at an impartial opinion. This concept borders on shocking to me.

But maybe it shouldn't. Maybe this is the very definition of what a polarized nation is. It isn't only that we have differing opinions on what is happening and what should be happening. It's also that we have differing views on what has already happened. We focus on different moments. We remember different things.

Here was my focus:

My favorite thought suggested by Biden was one that most people probably completely dismissed. He said, to paraphrase, that the way he'd try to draw both sides of Washington together was to throw out preconceptions about motive. In other words, he would go in believing that every person in Washington truly DID want to help America and truly did want to make a positive difference in the world.

Instead of believing in the inherent good or bad in a person, he would assume good in all and seek only to determine why the judgment of both sides differed.

I really thought that was an unusually uplifting ideal, as we sit here, a month away from one of the more contentious votes in our nation's history, and it is one that I will hopefully keep in mind as we move along.

Thoughts?

A good post after 2am?

Here's a new one. It's after 2am, and I'm actually writing because I've calmed down.

Tonight!

I know!

I mean, sure, we've all seen me go to sleep and wake up embarrassed and calmer, but to do so in the same night? I'm pretty sure that is unprecedented.

Anyway, I've decided that I was too quick to jump to conclusions earlier. Maybe the entire world isn't out to get me. Perhaps comparing myself to the Wandering Jew was stretching the problem. The fact that I haven't had anything even remotely resembling a real relationship this close to 30 is a little frightening, but the fact of the matter is that an enormous lack of self-confidence is a thing I will probably always battle. A need to please everyone in the room will be the albatross around my neck for quite some time to come.

Perhaps women are idiots. Perhaps men are too. Regardless, the fact of the matter is that I haven't ever actually played the game. Oh, I've come close once or twice, but I always pull back before the game ends.

I used to say that I was a great wingman, because I had preternatural skill in convincing women to come talk to me and my gang. I also said I was a great wingman, because the skill ended at this point.

Maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe the skill didn't end there. Maybe the problem was that I just didn't stick with it. I see guys stick by the side of a woman all night that they barely know, and I think, "What a tool." Thing is, maybe that tool knows a thing or two that I don't.

Maybe to get where we're trying to go in life each of us has to accept the fact that we can't always be the life of the party. Maybe, we need to grow a pair, make a choice, and stick with it.

Enough of this bullshit

I'm back. And I'm fucking pissed.

Look, I'm sorry. I've spent 14 years blaming my problems on myself. What am I doing wrong? Why isn't it working? How is it that all my friends have had serious relationships/have gotten married/have had ridiculous amounts of sex, when I - poor little old me - appear to be the unpopular kid that all the other unpopular kids avoid in embarrassment.

At this point, that is just bullshit. You know what's wrong with me? Me fucking neither. I am a great guy. I've spent year and years and years being a great guy. I'm thoughtful, funny, contemplative, interesting, broad, and broadminded. I speak two language, have been to half a dozen countries, care about politics, and meet people easily. I can swim a mile easily. I have good genes. I'm gifted. I've written a book. I'm fluent in the language of technology and enjoy every brand of humor from low brow to high culture.

I have no trouble operating at a level that is skin deep, but am equally at home delving deeply into the issues. People trust me enough to tell me their hopes and fears, and I never break the sacred bond by blabbing those hopes and dreams to others.

I graduated college in four years. I have a masters degree in applied psychology. I'm one year away from being a lawyer. Fuck, I've even won the John fucking Philips Sousa award. I know how to play chords on a piano and am at least decent in the karaoke scene. I can match a shoe with a belt. People have conversations about what a great guy I am behind my back.

When I have money I am generous with it. If I don't have money, I'm willing to donate time.

I write enjoyable and interesting prose. If I author a mailing list, people who are no longer members of the list sometimes choose not to unsubscribe, simply because they enjoy reading what I've written.

I am, not to put to fine a line on the concept, fucking awesome.

You want to know why I don't get dates? You know why I've spent my entire life (save a very limited number of days) alone? It's because women are idiots.

That's it. Idiots. Dummschwaetzerin. Vollidioten. The freaking bane of my existence.

Someone out there might try to rationalize the idiot gene going on in the so-called fairer sex, but I assure you, anyone who would pick the skinny guy who looks serious and works in a bar/coffee shop over me needs to have her head examined. It's crap. It's a joke.

So what the fuck do I do about it? Fucking nothing. There's nothing to do. Give up. Given in. Accept the fact that, no matter how hard you try, you are doomed to walk the world, unknown and unloved until the seas boil and the four horsemen charge forth from the rumbling sky.

Of course, if I did that, there would be no satisfaction. Why should I spend my life being all depressed? Sure, for whatever inexplicable reason I will never have the ability to seduce women and then leave them heartbroken and alone. But that doesn't mean I have to be polite about it. I think it's time to start being the world's biggest prick.

Fuck yes.